Sarah Silverman Quotes

I didn't feel so different until maybe, like, around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

In the big picture, life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it.

I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining yourself by what other people think of you, it's a form of self-torture.

I have no religion. But culturally I can't escape it; I'm very Jewish.

Don't tell girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't. It's like saying, 'Hey, when you get in the shower, I'm not gonna read your diary.' 'Wait--are you gonna read my diary?' 'No! I said I'm not gonna read your diary. Go take a shower!'

I'm all sentimental. I've probably been ruined by romantic movies, but I really do believe in love. I've experienced it, I've had it, so I know it's real.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

You're supposed to have friends you can tell anything to.

I'm doing stuff on Kaballah and Scientology and a little bit more racial stuff, for good measure.

Jews are the most liberal, scrappy, civil-rightsy people there are.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.

I feel so confident and awesome and sexy when I'm with people who are older than me, and I've always been surrounded by people who are older than me. But to be vital in comedy, you have to exist in a world that's dominated by young people.

My mom was always someone who if, even now, I say I met a certain famous person, she always says, "She's married to so and so!"

People say I'm a nice girl saying terrible things. I tend to say the opposite of what I think. You hope that the absolute power of that transcends, and reaches the audience.

Someone on Twitter sent me a page from a textbook. It had a picture of a football player next to a picture of me. The juxtaposition was meant to illustrate two meanings of "offensive." Seriously. It broke my heart. It's that accepted what I do is offensive?

I had a lot of depression as a kid.

I was sent to sleepover camp since I was 6, and you know, it's a recipe for disaster.

I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.

I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.

I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but he was talking about me!

I will always try to be happy. I don’t think people really understand the value of happiness until they know what it’s like to be in that very, very dark place. It’s not romantic. Not even a little.

Sometimes loving each other isn't enough. You have to be responsible for your own happiness. You can't stay in a relationship because you're afraid of the unknown.

Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.

Making my family laugh when I was little - it became an addiction. It was a kind of survival.

I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.

I really think everything is fair game.

We live in a fun time with so many ways to express yourself, you would be crazy to be a comedian and not check them all out.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

In the '80s especially, a lot of comedians felt compelled to stick with what made them famous and those people became caricatures.

If I have to write by a certain time, I can pull through, but usually I just let stuff happen, hanging out with comic friends - or bringing a basic idea on stage and seeing if it goes anywhere.

I remember the horror story that I told myself over and over again. I'm totally alone in my body. I'm totally alone in my head and nobody will ever see through my eyes. I'm just completely alone.

I happen to think that there are already tons of perfectly good babies out there already born.

I just think of myself as a comedian, really.

I think when you're 25 you're still finding yourself, and you should have the freedom of that.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

Women don't ask to be raped, but there are some that are asking to be motorboated

Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.

I mean, I love being with friends and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

I started out in clubs, and I've always liked clubs. I like theaters because people are there for the show.

I don't really like saying "the gays"... I'm not sure why. I suppose I say "the Jews." but I don't say "the blacks." I guess because I'm a Jew for all intents and purposes and to group people together of which I am not one in such a casual way feels disrespectful.

As soon as a woman is old enough to have an opinion and have a voice and be unafraid, she's very much encouraged by all sorts of people to crawl under a rock and die. And it's so weird. My crime is not dying.

I think that whenever a Jew has any kind of notoriety, good or bad, the Jews find it to be good.

[I'm] almost positive there is no God.

I don't want to deconstruct what I do.

Nothing is taboo if you have an angle on it. That said, critiquing women's human shells isn't my thang. Though there's probably something funny or interesting to be said about those who do it, and what that comes from.