Scott Adams Quotes

A person with a flexible schedule and average resources will be happier than a rich person who has everything except a flexible schedule. Step one in your search for happiness is to continually work toward having control of your schedule.

If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.

There's no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people's. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it first last week and you just remembered it.

We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.

The children are our future. And that is why, ultimately, we're screwed unless we do something about it. If you haven't noticed, the children who are our future are good-looking, but they aren't all that bright. As dense as they might be, they will eventually notice that adults have spent all the money, spread disease, and turned the planet into a smoky, filthy ball of death. We're raising an entire generation of dumb, pissed-off kids who know where the handguns are kept. This is not a good recipe for a happy future.

I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately.

Mockery is an important social tool for squelching stupidity. I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

The surest way to identify those who won't succeed at weight loss is that they tend to say things like "My goal is to lose ten pounds." Weight targets often work in the short run. But if you need willpower to keep the weight off, you're doomed in the long run. The only way to succeed in the long run is by using a system that bypasses your need for willpower.

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

This happens to me: I have this great idea and then I make the mistake of telling someone else.

I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

E-books are impervious to analogy.

Obviously there's not much options when you're a cartoonist - you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier.

Beware of those who try to sell you simple answers to complex questions.

Our perceptions of truth are built around what is practical, not what is true. Even the smartest human brain doesn't have the capacity for discerning true facts. That's why so many of us settle for scientific facts. It's the best we can do.

Moslem: people who believe suicide is a good way to get laid.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

You might think the word "homemade" is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is that the staff sleeps here at night. If your tablecloth is wrinkled, that's why.

Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals. Simple cells combine to make powerful life-forms. Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less capable components. Therefore, a supreme being must be in our future, not our origin. What if "God" is the consciousness that will be created when enough of us are connected by the Internet?!!

He was tenser than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.

Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership.

I hated my work. It never seemed to me to be what I should be doing.

'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions.

To err is human. To cover it up is weasel.

I keep hearing the argument that some things are constitutional while other things are not. The idea is that we should be in favor of all the things that were decided over 200 years ago by a bunch of slave-owning cross-dressers who pooped in holes.

Newsreader: A huge asteroid could destroy Earth! And by coincidence, that's the subject of tonight's miniseries. Dogbert: In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off your television screen. [TV remote control] Click.

If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it.

I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

I rank money higher than social life or meaning because once you have money, those other things are easier to get. For example, you won't have much of a social life if you can't afford to do anything. And you can't make money if your health is a mess.

Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

Everything you learn becomes a shortcut for understanding something else.

If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness to risk embarrassment.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Never base your budget requests on realistic assumptions, as this could lead to a decrease in your funding.

I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened.

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there

The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that's already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don't want.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.