Zach Braff Quotes

I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?

I'm sure lots of actors and creative people go through this, where you have some weeks where it's all going according to plan and some weeks where you're super frustrated.

Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.

I'm a big proponent of 'Don't Ask, Don't tell,' in fact, I enforce it strictly on all of my dates. First, I don't ask them for sex, and then I warn them not to tell anyone after I'm through.

I think slavery was an awful, awful period in our history, but when I look at what's become of black culture since emancipation, I think you have to admit, maybe the Confederacy was on to something

It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment

I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It's a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom.

She can't say no if she's unconscious.

If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.

When you're the director and the writer, you never have to remember your lines, and there's no one to call you on it. On Garden State I did different lines on every take, just making crap up. And it was great each time.

My co-stars aren't bad actors, but they're no Zach Braff.

So I was at the gas station the other day, and I saw that there was braille on the pumps. I don't see how they can cater to blind drivers. I mean, there are certain rights you should lose once you lose what makes you a person.

I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.

It was really starting to get pathetic, everyday they would come in looking for one thing or another. 'Zach, can you give me some acting tips?' 'Zach, will you let me blow you?' 'Can I have some cash?' That's when I made the call, that's when I decided seven was enough

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know.

When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don't have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around?

Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter

Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.

You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious.

When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker.

I am really driven, but my drive doesn't effect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.

Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.

The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.

I mean, some people accuse me of being racist. I'm totally not, I'm just better than everybody else.

I don't like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I do

I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.

Yea, I've got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle.

They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.

It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me.

If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.

I think the saddest moments in life have humor in them. I have a memory of coming home from a funeral with my family in the back of a limousine and someone cracking a joke and us just hysterically belly laughing. It's how we always dealt with tragedy in our lives and I think it's such a healthy way to deal with sadness.

They say the number on rule in showbusiness is not to work with animals. I guess I'm above the rules because I put up with that for seven years.

You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.

Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.

I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.

At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That'd show that no-talent uncle tom.

Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don't understand that

Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined.

I'm really not one to brag, but I think my job is one of the most important things someone can do with their life. I mean, it really gives people a chance to live outside their means through someone else's vision. And I think that's something really great that I can give back to the community. Sure I could be a doctor or a lawyer, but do they really help anyone? Sure you can save someone's life, but can you really change it for the better? I'm not saying their jobs aren't important, just not as important as mine.

I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I'm here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe?

When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me?

My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning.

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

Ya know, Hitler was this evil, evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America, he might have been on to something.

Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift.

Every single person wants to do it, don't hate me because I had the guts to follow my heart!