Adam Carolla Quotes

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera - sort of low-key. I don't like being on camera stuff that much. I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. Some people do. It takes a certain breed of cat. There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader. Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses. I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. The pace of radio is very fast. Boom, boom, with a little six minute segment, then on to the next thing. With podcasts you can talk about something for 25 minutes if you like - there is a lot of artistic freedom with it.

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I know everything because I know nothing.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

My motto is "more mystery, less history".

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

My first car was a motorcycle.

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.