Adam Carolla Quotes

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

I don't know anything about computers.

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.

I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.

A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

I'd never hurt another person.

I am not a good cue card reader.

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'