Dane Cook Quotes

If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little something that I'm giving to them, a performance that says to them, "I want to try." It's all interconnected. I don't think it's thinking too deeply about it.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

Because of what I experienced when I was a kid, I want kids to have that kind of an epiphany moment, that little jolt, that little spark that they see when Dusty ['Planes'] flies higher than he has before. That scene where he flies straight up, and he's starting to get dizzy, and then finally it comes together. We forget as adults. We get jaded and we think that's kids' stuff, but for a kid who doesn't know about anything technical or how a movie is made, they're just going to see this and hear this beautiful score and see this dynamic, fantastical thing happening in front of them.

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night - and be your own self.

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.