Dane Cook Quotes

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.

Onstage, it's all just a heightened and more elaborate version of me. When you're standing onstage, your adrenaline is going, your enthusiasm is at full tilt, and the excitement helps elevate you're attitude. I've always wanted to be as close to myself offstage, being funny with my buddies, and that's what I've worked hard on - being authentic to who I really am.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye"!

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

There's estrogen running through my veins!

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

I'm a late-night guy.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.