Dennis Miller Quotes

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

At some point you cannot be the kid in the glass bubble in this world. You might've heard throughout your grade school and high school years that it was a safe, nice, warm, fair, feeling place... but it can get brutal when it gets competitive. Especially when you succeed. Watch the detractors come out of the walls at that point.

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.

That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did.

I rant, therefore I am

I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.

There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?

Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

Childbirth is a wonderful thing, but the reality is that it can dramatically change a woman's body. SUI occurs when the vaginal wall weakens and cannot provide adequate support to the urethra, thus causing leaking. The good news is that women with SUI have many different treatment options available to them.

But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala's last smile

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.

Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I find it shocking that anybody can be brought down in D.C. for gossip, ostensibly. I thought that was the coin of the realm there. That's like getting hit with lightning on a cloudless day.

Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.

I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.

The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they're being followed by a National Geographic film crew.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?

Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.

I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.

Seems to me we move the furniture, the French come in later and put the doilies on top of it...It's a simple fact they've always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends and are almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to wishes of their enemies. And if they want to get their hands dirty now they're just gonna have to run 'em through their own hair.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right.

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.