George Carlin Quotes

Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, "Hey, listen to me." Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.

To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"

In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge.

Somebody once said that Hollywood is based on a lot of producers deliberately making bad movies, and every now and then somebody gets lucky.

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.

Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

We created god in our own image and likeness!

I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."

He is dead now, but he meant well.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

My father and mother separated when I was two months old.

The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind - the ironic part is that it's presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain

We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.

Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?