Greg Behrendt Quotes

Alone also means available for someone outstanding.

Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.

But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation

There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?

We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.

Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.

He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great.

Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time

An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.

Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.

Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I’ve gotten older. But now I don’t want to be ‘sort of dating’ someone. I don’t want to be ‘kinda hanging out’ with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?

When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while.

Feeling in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.

Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you're lucky to be rid of.

I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep.

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.