Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look like I've just watched a horror film on a rollercoaster. Kids love to scream. Frightened, happy, bored. They scream. I've actually learned to love the sound of a vacuum cleaner. It's just so peaceful.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.

My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people.

I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. [...] There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.

I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about and I guess I am a foodie. I do love food and it's kind of like I'm an eccentric observationalist guy. To make it kind of universal, I try a lot of different things. When I first started writing this, I was like, 'No food.' Then, you know, it just always goes there.

I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.

“Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn’t it be hysterical if we went bowling?”

I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.

My wife and I, we work together. And we wrote this book, "Dad Is Fat." And in the book, I was encouraged constantly by my editor to be more personal and talk about more personal experiences.

I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?

The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person, but when I became a father, ambition had a different hold on me. Providing for my kids was important, but the superficial ambition drifted away.

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

I don't understand the fashion industry and the appeal of it. I understand that there are some people who think it's important to them, and they're designers, they're artists, but there seems to be a disproportionate amount of our culture that's caught up in that and the red carpet stuff. It seems like there's a disproportionate amount of attention placed on that.

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."