Scott Adams Quotes

When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.

Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you.

The best you can hope for in this life is that your delusions are benign and your compulsions have utility.

My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser.

Failure is where success likes to hide in plain sight.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays.

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn.

Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.

What does it mean to be yourself?” he asked. “If it means to do what you think you ought to do, then you’re doing that already. If it means to act like you’re exempt from society’s influence, that’s the worst advice in the world; you would probably stop bathing and wearing clothes. The advice to ‘be yourself’ is obviously nonsense. But our brains accept this tripe as wisdom because it is more comfortable to believe we have a strategy for life than to believe we have no idea how to behave.

I calculated the total time that humans have waited for web pages to load. It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age. Sometimes I think the web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society.

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn how to convert stupidity into clean fuel.

The human mind is a delusion generator, not a window to trurh.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons

The Dilbert Principle: People are idiots.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.

I believe in karma... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it.

Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.

Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? I'd never be able to run that far.

The day you realize that your efforts and rewards are not related, it really frees up your calendar.

You can change only what people know, not what they do.

You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car.

When did ignorance become a point of view?

Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.

Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words.

Few things in life are less efficient than a group of people trying to write a sentence. The advantage of this method is that you end up with something for which you will not be personally blamed.

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

Have you ever noticed that things that don’t kill you make you weaker? And great minds don’t think alike. If they did, the patent office would only have about fifty inventions. I started getting suspicious when I cried over spilt milk and the cashier took it off my bill.” - Wally

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane.

The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke teller.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Everyone says there's a lack of leadership in the world these days. I think we should all be thankful, because the only reason for leadership is to convince people to do things that are either dangerous (like invading another country) or stupid (working extra hard without extra pay).

Home is pretty utopian.

As long as there are annoying people in the world, I won't run out of material.

Dogbert gazing at night sky No matter how bad the day is, the stars are always there. Dilbert Actually, many of them burned out years ago, but their light is just now reaching earth. DogbertThank you for shattering my comfortable misconception. DilbertIt's the miracle of science.

The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits.

My old life - no amount of getting used to it would have made it right.