Zach Braff Quotes

I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.

People have called me fake, but personally, I don't think I'm fake because I'm so insincere.

When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.

The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?

It's a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration, and I take it from them.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know?

I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it?

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

I like to think of myself as the Chris Benoit of the movie industry, capable of taking any picture and carrying it to box-office success. Take Garden State, without me that would have just been two hours of Portman doging.

To say I live a cursed life is an understatement. I have to get up every day and work with people who are not as successful as me nor will they ever be as successful as me. Nobody knows the struggles I go through.

I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized, 'Hey, I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning.

People keep asking me whether I'm going to vote for Obama or McCain in the election. But I'm like, why bother? There will never be another leader as good as he was.

I wouldn't exactly call it 'Intelligent', but somebody has to be behind designing the human form other than just biological necessity. Why else would women have arms? Or feet? Or mouths?

I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?

If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do.

Dude, writing, acting and directing are such easy jobs. But to do them all as awesomely as Zach Braff does, well that... that's something.

I think we have to acknowledge that people are different and succeed at different things, first of all. Men are better than women at some professions like firefighting, construction work, and physics. But women are better than men at some professions, too, like elementary teaching, prostitution, and giving birth. Who's to say which is more important?

People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example.

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.

Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.

I don't belive Oprah's sexual abuse stories, I mean who would take a black girl when there are plenty of white?

I really don't give a care, I'm going to live for ever

I don't want to be one of those guys, but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore.

Probably the most memorable even of my life is when I was born. It really made me who I am. If I die, I hope to go out the same way I came in, but I don't think my mother would be into that.

I want to take piano lessons, I want to study at university, I want to travel, I want to do other parts, make another movie.

If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'?

When I let some girl take me in her mouth I think this is what Jesus must feel like during communion.

In theater or movies you see either 'I'm religious' or 'I'm an atheist.' I've never seen too much discussion of 'I believe there's a higher power but I'm hesitant to reach out to him because I don't know if I'm worthy of his attention.

Hitler was about population control.

I like to drop in on people who picked on me in high school or whatever, just out of the blue, and chat with them to see how they think of me now that I'm a big star. Usually they're a lot nicer. After about half an hour, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and leave a few DVDs or pictures there. Then when I come out, I say good-bye and leave. Then I call the cops.

I don't like the term 'black people', I find it demeaning to those of us that actually qualify as 'people'.

People are always saying bad things about them, but really they think they're just trying to clean up our planet. I'm not saying it's right but, you know, we could all benefit from following that example.

I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.

I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to resist.

Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me

I really like just super dry comedy.

Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.

I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.

Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the same as hitting your employee or wife, and the issue become pretty clear when you think about it that way.

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.

I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE!

I had no interest in sports so I didn't make friends in that traditional way where kids are in public school and they go and they join clubs, and play sports. So I kind of had to find my own way to make friends and get attention and so I just was the class clown.

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?

People are always going to find fault with anything you do, any process that you're a part of. The creative process means taking risks, I've taken risks and I've made mistakes, but the bottom line is, could anyone else have done any better ? I have to believe that what I created was worthwhile.