Bill Hicks Quotes

Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.

Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.

God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.

You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America.

To me, Texas is Austin, a bunch of cool people trying to make a difference.

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth... see you at the final.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.

I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it's not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.

They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say..."

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.

I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious.

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's gonna fuck up the economy! The economy that's fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government's cracking down... on the idea of experiencing unconditional love, ah.

I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest.

The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.

It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones.

It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.

Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

When you're...stepping over a guy on the sidewalk...does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?'

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive.

I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.

I am a misanthropic humanist... Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

We really are All One....this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years.

I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.

What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!

I've been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club.

Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

...love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all.

The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form.

And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create Republicans."

Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'.

That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama.