Chelsea Handler Quotes

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

My message is strong and my belief is strong, in the fact that we can still be provocative and have fun and just get informed.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.

That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time.

People push my buttons, so I'm going to react.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

There should be a talent that goes along with being famous.

Before any exposure on TV, I'm a real chef.

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.

You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.

Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.

Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

Women don't have to be jealous of other women.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony.

It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a woman, being on the road at these disgusting hotels. What girls want to do that? Gross guys want to do that. I think that the dearth in female comics is just the nature of the business, but there certainly isn't a dearth anymore, so I think it's just silly.

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted people to laugh at what I was saying, not to be staring at my boobs or wearing a skirt and show off my ... I just didn't think that that was the best way to get taken seriously in that world.

Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.