Chelsea Handler Quotes

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.

Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.

I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

It would be nice if everybody were a little bit more mindful of what kind of product you're putting out there. Nothing's for everybody. People are liked and disliked, but at least be mindful of what you're doing and what your message is, and trying to stay true to your authenticity and what you're trying to attain or what your goals are, and don't let anybody get in the way of that. At the same time, have a goal, and have a message.

As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.

Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.

I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.

I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you use to think about whether some celebrity was sleeping with another celebrity. The conjecture that goes along with that. You feel like your mind has been shot apart.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics with kids because you find out what their parents are feeding them at home, and then you find out their quick reactions to things. It's so refreshing when kids are so honest.

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event.

Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn't work then that's fine at least then you know it doesn't work. Don't worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.

We're not actors, we're people behaving like ourselves on TV. We're both [me and Gordon Ramsay] exactly who we are on TV. I don't think either one is an exaggerated version. You just have to be who you are.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.

I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!

When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.