Chelsea Handler Quotes

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’

When you have a vision, you have to see it through, and you can make anything happen. You really can, especially in this [entertainment ] industry.

First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won.

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

As a woman, we should all stop talking about it and just acknowledge what's happened and act like we own the space, because we do.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, 'I'm a very good friend.'

[Late-night host] is not really a job for a woman. You can't have kids and be a late-night host.I mean Samantha Bee has children, but you're there all day and all night. No one has a life outside of it. I would never try to have a family. I care much more about a career anyway, than having a family, so that's my own prerogative. It's just not something that a woman.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.

Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'

My life and my legs have been an open book.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

I think when I envisioned my documentaries, what I wanted to do when I left, I had no business doing those documentaries. I didn't know what I was doing. I was delving into an arena that I had no experience in, and Netflix paired me up with two documentarians that really executed my vision perfectly. That was great, to see that. All of a sudden I'm at Sundance, and those are premiering. I just thought, "Wow, they were four ideas I pitched one day, and now it's coming to fruition on this scale."

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

There's a difference between watching a chef show, which doesn't feel like a reality show compared to the Housewives. Those shows can, I think, not only lower your IQ, but really just knock the wind out of you, because we're all here in this business.

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.