Elayne Boosler Quotes

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.

The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch. By taking a more positive, heartwarming approach to animal rescue, I've been able to engage people and keep them engaged for years. Instead of selling the agony and misery - and sadly, there is no shortage of that - I start with the happy endings. I work backwards so the first message they get is joy and success due to their involvement. Opening the mind with humor and joy gets the rescue message in that much deeper.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

I’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.