A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.
Elayne BooslerMy family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
Elayne BooslerPresident Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.
Elayne BooslerThere's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
Elayne BooslerWouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.
Elayne BooslerA study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
Elayne BooslerPeople are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
Elayne BooslerFor a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
Elayne BooslerI wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
Elayne BooslerSan Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
Elayne BooslerWe have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'
Elayne BooslerI have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
Elayne BooslerI didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.
Elayne BooslerWhen women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Elayne BooslerI deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
Elayne BooslerThe thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."
Elayne BooslerYou never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
Elayne BooslerI know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne BooslerCalgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.
Elayne BooslerI am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.
Elayne BooslerHave you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?
Elayne BooslerHere is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.
Elayne BooslerI've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
Elayne BooslerFor me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.
Elayne BooslerI pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?
Elayne BooslerLaundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.
Elayne BooslerGuys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'
Elayne BooslerWhen I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
Elayne BooslerMany animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch. By taking a more positive, heartwarming approach to animal rescue, I've been able to engage people and keep them engaged for years. Instead of selling the agony and misery - and sadly, there is no shortage of that - I start with the happy endings. I work backwards so the first message they get is joy and success due to their involvement. Opening the mind with humor and joy gets the rescue message in that much deeper.
Elayne BooslerPresident Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!
Elayne BooslerI’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.
Elayne BooslerI have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne BooslerComedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.
Elayne BooslerMost people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.
Elayne Boosler