Zach Galifianakis Quotes

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.

The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

I think if you come out to California trying to be an actor, it's pretty hard. There's desperation. A lot of people are desperate, and a lot of people are clueless, including me. It's hard to try to figure it out. I've never told you, but I have head shots that if you saw them... they're so terrible! It's so embarrassing.

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

My comfort zone is press conferences.

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.

My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.

If you see something, say something.