Bill Cosby Quotes

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go...'...if it hadn't been for his head.

I'm not the healthiest, but I am healthy. I'm healthy to the point where there are things that I have to eat that I don't want to eat, but I eat it because I'm enjoying staying alive.

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."

You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.

The mother may be doing ninety percent of the disciplining, but the father still must have a full-time acceptance of all the children. He never must say, "Get these kids out of here; I'm trying to watch TV." If he ever does start saying this, he is liable to see one of his kids on the six o'clock news.

George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words.

You can not make everybody happy.

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.

Romance is a different word than sexual contact.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

The summit, which is set up to educate people about managing their money and protecting their income, leads to empowerment of self, for which this summit needs to be applauded.

There are some people who have trouble recognizing a mess.

All parents experience the same problems.

Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.

Have you ever had a cookie? Then you won't get any here either.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."

This happened to the people. The Constitution says of the people, by the people, for the people... but the people who got the office, got into office and forgot about the people.

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

Well, I really don't know what the secret of success is but I can tell you that the secret of failure is to try to please everyone.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by 'survival of the fittest.'

How long can you tread water?

I can't even talk the way these people talk. 'Why you ain't?' 'Where you is?' Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.

In Genesis, it is stated God walked on Earth. He was there on the level. After watching human behavior, he ascended having had enough of us and decided to watch over us instead.

Most fathers and... Mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

There are stories in the Bible about people telling other people how to do things. When you hear this young man say "we don't give up," that's something human beings who win will tell you every time. Breaks will happen. When they happen, you keep the same mind about what you're doing. It's about we the people getting on with our lives and doing it that way.

Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they'll understand.

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

The wisest married men give in early. They get in touch with the wife side of themselves, and that's when they stop arguing.

Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.

Public education is a good foundation on which to build a better life for each of us. And if we want to prove to these children who never made the mess in the first place that education is worth the trouble, our schools have to inspire them so they can do what they ought to do.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

People should fact check. People shouldn’t have to go through that and shouldn’t answer to innuendos.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

There should be more on television that uplifts people and shows them how to better prepare themselves for earning a living. There still aren't enough people that say "this should not be." We just let it go. We need to raise a loud voice about our fellow human beings.

When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?