Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Billy ConnollyI don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
Billy ConnollyI hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
Billy ConnollyIf you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Billy ConnollyI once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly
Billy ConnollyI've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
Billy ConnollyChic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
Billy ConnollyWhen you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
Billy ConnollyLife is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
Billy ConnollyWhat is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!
Billy ConnollyThe world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
Billy ConnollyI loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.
Billy Connolly,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
Billy ConnollyIn Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
Billy ConnollyThe human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
Billy ConnollyWhere do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!
Billy ConnollyPeople who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
Billy ConnollyMy definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy ConnollyI have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Billy ConnollyActing is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
Billy ConnollyAmerican sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
Billy ConnollyThe strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
Billy ConnollyI just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.
Billy ConnollyI'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.
Billy ConnollyI worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
Billy ConnollyI became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
Billy ConnollyI've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.
Billy ConnollyWhen you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
Billy ConnollyWhen people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Billy Connolly