Dane Cook Quotes

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!

Are there glass shards in my anus?!

I would love to have acidy spit.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

You can't teach an old hater new truths.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

I won't take no for a question.

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

It really drives me banana sangwich.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.