Erma Bombeck Quotes

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

The term 'working mother' is redundant.

In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.

Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.

Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door.

Success is outliving your failures

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.

What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.

A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.