Karl Pilkington Quotes

We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

Treat the world like a head.

I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.

It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey

At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?

Chinese people age overnight.

The Web is the new book though, innit?

Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday - what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.

From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!

it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.

Your dreams should never be better than your real life

You don't get anything done by planning

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere.

Every problem solved is a problem made.

The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.

Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says.

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.

I mean, I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling.

Knowledge is almost annoying.

They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up.

The Chichen Itza is just a pyramid with four sides, with stairs on each side leading to some kind of bungalow on the top.

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.

Could the world fall?

People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but they’ve never done anything that have blown me away. They say I’m a div and Dolphins are intelligent…It just baffles me.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

I am pessimistic, I think that's the best way to be, because if you're always expecting the best - the best doesn't always happen. Nine times out of 10 it doesn't. I'm surprised when things go smoothly. I don't know what's wrong with being pessimistic - unless you are such a pessimist that you don't do anything.

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.

Me in a one-man tent crouching over carrier bag. It's not just the lowest point of the trip. It's the lowest point ever. In 38 years.

But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.

Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?

I came up with a good idea... see-through skin.

That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.

We're just a weed in the universe

Comedy's really subjective, you know.

I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

I'm just sayin', I don't like fun.

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'