Karl Pilkington Quotes

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

If you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't have wings

I could eat a knob at night.

It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.

It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating.

With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.

Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity? Me family does me 'ed in after one day at xmas, I'd rather be mush.

I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.

Be the ugly one, look at the nice one.

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

I'm more open to give things a go, but what I'm not good at yet is holding back. If something is daft or rubbish, I just go, I can't be doing it.

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.

Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.

If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.

Now sometimes I don't know if I feel well. Because I've been in my body for years.

By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

If you can't do it, don't do it.

When i was younger i remember once i went to bed and i was so happy that i laughed myself to sleep.

I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then.

It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep.

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?

If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing.

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.

I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, 'Why are we here?' The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again.

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

A dog has got human eyes.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

A problem solved is a problem caused.

It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.

There was always something. It's like with this one, there's always something that's mad that I look back on it and go, that's pretty amazing to say that I've done that or been there.

In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’

I don't want to go about offending people, that's not my plan.