Karl Pilkington Quotes

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.

I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.

People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!

Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.

It's easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you've got nowt to lose.

People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book.'

There’s fish in here that I’ve read about that are so see-through that they’re invisible. So I don’t even think they know they exist.

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.

They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf.

I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species...

Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad.

I'm really happy. I just don't choose to show it.

The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny.

Every step starts with a step.

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lost, even in Wales.

There is someone for everyone, i'nt there. That's always my thing. And it's reassuring I think.

I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.

If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about.

That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly

I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.

Shitty nappy whizzing through the air, you don't see that in the brochures.

It's 2006, why are they still using the index finger?