Roseanne Barr Quotes

After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.

I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too.

It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.

A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like this doughnut.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.

I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!

Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama cannot win, and they are put in place to assure a victory by Mitt Romney... this is the plan of all the insurance companies that are owned by Mormon interests. It is unfolding as the Mormon Church planned over the last fifty years.

I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.

I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?

Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.

I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.

Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.

two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.

Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I hate alcoholics and AA (alcoholics anonymous). If you can't drink responsibly, don't drink at all. Don't go to meetings, whine about your character flaws and blame the fact that you are a sociopath on booze.

There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.

Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem!

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

my parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.

Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!

I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.

Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world citizen, in my opinion.

Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.

There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.