Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

The world is full of horrible things.

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.