Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played the part of "Accounting Clerk" on Deadwood. Actually, I was the accounting clerk for production of "Deadwood."

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.