Lewis Black Quotes

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

Political audiences are not fun.

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

Everybody's got cable.

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.

A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.