Robert Orben Quotes

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.

THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.