Daniel Tosh Quotes

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.