Stephen Colbert Quotes

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock

I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.

I am no fan of books.

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.

The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free will and abused it by not obeying authority. Hell was created by Satan’s disobedience to God, and his purposeful removal from God’s love—which is what hell is. Removing yourself from God’s love. You send yourself to hell. God does not send you there.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp.

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. You have to be able to just hit the backhand. You can't think about all the pieces of it. You can't think about your swing. You just have to do it. Reading someone else's deconstruction of what I do, all it does is put me in my head. On nights when the show goes particularly well, I am not aware of its fluidity. A lot of nights I'm just worried that I'm not going to be as good as the script in front of me.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans.

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.

I'm impervious to logic.

Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.

Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.