Stephen Colbert Quotes

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.

Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are willing to be civically engaged and believe in the promises and the progress of the last fifty years that will save this country.

The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.

I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.

Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate

Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax and spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh... and everybody's high!

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that's a terrible feeling.