Demetri Martin Quotes

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.

I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

Most stick people are black.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

Clowns have no respect for pie.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'