Doug Stanhope Quotes

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.