Doug Stanhope Quotes

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

he ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as it does upon his giving handsomely where it is proper to give at all. A man, for instance, who should give a servant four shillings, would pass for covetous, while he who gave him a crown, would be reckoned generous; so that the difference of those two opposite characters, turns upon one shilling.

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.