Norm MacDonald Quotes

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.

Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.

The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.

Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke.

It is the folly of weak-minded people, to imagine they are what flattery or conceit represents them; and that it is useless for them to be what they are not, since they seem already to have acquired the reputation of it.

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people.

You can't love your team without hating another team.

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

I don't have any ambition.

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.

There's no show business in Canada, so everybody just did stand-up and we all thought, "Oh, we'll just keep doing stand-up." And then I'm like, "There's more work in the States."

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?

We advise others better than ourselves.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it's very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I'm not a great actor, so if the material isn't good, I'm in torment while I do it.

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.

Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.