Demetri Martin Quotes

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time."

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.