Demetri Martin Quotes

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.