Groucho Marx Quotes

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me." "What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.

I hate London when it's not raining.

What have future generations ever done for us?

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.