Groucho Marx Quotes

But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

I shall drink no #‎ wine before it's time! OK, it's time.

That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

Women should be obscene, not heard.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?