W. C. Fields Quotes

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I never met a kid I liked.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I like children - fried.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.