W. C. Fields Quotes

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I'm searching for loopholes.

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I never eat before breakfast.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.