Demetri Martin Quotes

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.