Demetri Martin Quotes

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

I've never read an article of clothing.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I need to develop some patience - immediately.

My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.