Demetri Martin Quotes

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.