Dov Davidoff Quotes

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break.

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.