Dov Davidoff Quotes

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.