Emo Philips Quotes

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.